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Friday, 16 October 2009

Oh my my my

For once I'm not sad or breaking down. Well okay a bit sad. And a bit breaking down. It's something really hard to explain.
I just need to talk to someone, I need to get this out. I feel like I'm about to explode.
Have you ever loved someone, a guy, like a family member? Like a brother or... maybe a father? I have. I do.
And I'm so fucked. I can't get over it. I can't go on a day without thinking him. They say if you can't live a day without thinking someone you shouldn't let them go, ever. Well here comes the part I don't like.
He's out of my life. For good. And there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm fucked.
I'm so screwed.
!"()/(/&)489!!!""##%%&/&
what do I doooooooooooooooooo¤#(¤#¤
Ignore this post
I'm just going out of my mind and my best friend is out of town. Heck out of country.
In a nut shell.
There's this guy I love and miss. And he's gone forever. Yepp.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Breaking down

Once again, I'm breaking down. Ooooh dumb dumb me why did I start doing this thing I knew I should stay away from.
Ugh. I just want to talk to someone, tell how bad I feel. But to be honest. Who do I turn to? Right now. With this issue. I have no one. But this blog. I love each and every one of you who reads this blogs and supports me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
But this is something you can't help me with. I weigh about 103 pounds. My mom is all crazy, she won't leave me alone. She makes me eat like crazy. She weighs me all the time and it's insane. I can't live like this. I wish she'd back off. I told about this to my therapist and she said my mom can't back off, I can't be trusted with eating. My friends tease me at school when I don't eat or my old close are too big.
And they don't get it. And I really really hope you guys do. I want everyone to just shut the fuck up and leave me to deal with this alone. It's been going on for many years and no one ever noticed anything and suddenly now you care? If you wanna help me, back off. It's driving me nuts!! Everyone's breathing on me, watching every move I make. I CAN'T BREATHE LIKE THIS. Oooooh dear how I'm breaking down.
I just want to cry and be alone. Thank god I have a week off now. Holiday.
Blehh.
What do I do?
I'm trying to put on weigh. I look up to Lauren Conrad and I want to look like her. I have 2 reasons to put on weigh. 1. To get people to back off. 2. To look more like LC. She's my idol.

She looks great. She's gorgeous even though she's not that skinny.
I feel like I want to talk to someone... I'm starting to hate my therapist lol. I don't want to talk to her.
What do I do.
ARGH.
I'm trying, I swear I am. I try to eat as much as I can without throwing up. But I can't help that feeling. You know when you see a girl who's so tiny and skinny and you think why can't I be like her. And the next time your having lunch, suddenly you're not hungry.
And when someone who really has a lot of weight passes by you kinda think Woah I need to watch not to look like that.
And I just want to cry and I don't know what to do :(
This has been going on for so long now. Not to mention college. I'm graduating on spring and my parents are going nuts. I can't deal with another 4 years of this same old shit. I can't but the thing is they kinda force me to. Yeah. I know. Fucking great.
If anyone's looking for me I'll be in my room trying to cut my arms with spoons. Tssshh. Thanks mom and dad. You make me feel great. Thank you H for being my best friend then letting me go and making me feel like an idiot for thinking you'd be there for me when I fell down. Stupid me. Why did I ever think you'd catch me? Argh cry.

You say you'll call, but I know you.
You say you're coming home, but I know you.
You say you'll call, but I know you won't.

Currently
Carnival Ride
By Carrie Underwood
I know you won't
see related

Sunday, 11 October 2009

New account

http://skyisgold.xanga.com/
Please add me. I made a new account, I'm starting fresh. No more weight, food and ED issues. I need to get over it.
I need to get out of this world but I love some of you so much, you've been great friends and I want us all to stay in contact so please add my new account but no ED stuff thank you :)
Love forever and always,
-GB

Saturday, 26 September 2009

Help ASAP!

Hello loves,
long time no see. I know. I promise to update about my life IF you help me with one thing.
Nothing I love more than my friends and I need to do a favor for one of my girls.
Please help by answering this question:
What diet pills are the best?
Thank you sweethearts,
stay strong :)
-GB

Saturday, 08 August 2009

GUESS WHO'S BACK

Hello loves,
I know I haven't been around here much. A lot has happened and I'm packing because monday morning I'll be back in the hospital. So I deff won't be on much, maybe on weekends. If they allow me to go home lol.
Anyways today I came up with an idea. I thought of a post, then I thought I shouldn't quit xanga. I should stay and support you guys. So I'm back, just for you :) (lol and to get rid of the millions of pictures on my computer).
So here's the big post I thought about. Enjoy.

You know it looks so good and you know how good it tastes in your mouth. The chocolate fills you with a happy and good feeling. You take another spoonful of it and smile because of how good and tasty something can be. But you know what?

THIS is what it does to you. The happy and tasty feeling soon turns into fat and ruins your beauty. Would you rather feel good about chocolate in your mouth and stomach or feel good about being healthy and not looking like this?

Wouldn't you rather look like THIS? Honestly. I know you know it. You're tired of always being 'the fat one'. You want to stop it but that chocolate cake just stares at you and begs you to eat it. It does to this girl too, but there's a difference. She turns her head. She doesn't let anyone else control her.

She doesn't let THIS control her life. It's just a piece of cake. It doesn't even have brains or limbs. Yet it controls you. Why? Because you want happiness. You want to taste the happiness in your mouth. But there's another kind of happiness...

This girl knows it. She feels good. She's happy. She might have problems with her father, her boyfriend might be an asshole. But she can be happy with herself. She doesn't let others control her life.

This girl doesn't know the feeling. All she feels is pressure and anxiety. Why? Because she's not in control. She lets....

...THIS control her life. She looks at it and already feels happy. It has all the ingredients she loves and it makes her happy. What she doesn't know that it's fake happiness. THIS is what will turn her body into her own worst enemy. The happiness that once made her smile suddenly turns against her and she looks herself in the mirror and breaks it. She hates what she sees and needs to feel happy. So what does she do? She eats more.

This girl knows her limits. She knows food doesn't bring happiness, she knows it's just a scam. She's not fooled. What makes her happy is looking and feeling good. She doesn't carry fat around her. She's light. Look at her, she's laughing. She's having a good time in her good body.

She doesn't believe in this. Sure, she might like it. Sure, she might eat it every once and a while. But she knows it's not the answer. She knows it's toxic, she knows what it does.

She doesn't want to look like this so she says no. She says no to lies, to those awful fat-jokes and lonelyness.

It's all about control. YOU have it. It's YOUR life. NO ONE will break you. They say things, they spread rumors, but they will NOT BREAK YOU.

YOU carry your head held high because you know you're better than them. One day they will see it too. One day you'll show them. You'll make them feel bad about themselves because you shine brighter than them. THEY will be jealous.

All because of this.
Say no to this and you'll say yes to being healthy, happy, to a great body and to a new lifestyle.

You'll leave this behind.

It doesn't fill you with happiness. It doesn't taste as good as the chocolate cake or pepperoni pizza.

But this does.

Love always,
GB <3